Lost But Now I'm Found

Titus 3:4-7
"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.
But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."

Tonight as I was sitting at my desk, an overwhelming sense of gratitude began to flood this tiny heart of mine as I recalled what life was without God. I can boldly declare, that I'm nothing like I used to be. And I thank God, for at the right time, He found me and marvellously saved me.

So I've decided tonight, I won't stay silent any longer. I need to testify of what He's done.

All my life, I never knew what is it like to have a family that is whole. Well, mine is broken. My mum left for Japan to work, when I was really young. At that time, I have not learn to talk, nor to walk. When I was 2, dad and mum's relationship soured; they decided to separate. Ever since then, mum left the home and dad had to care for me.

Being the man, daddy had to work and so I had to be babysit by relatives. I was a kid on the go; I was passed from one house to another when they could no longer look after me. Until I finally settled in Auntie Ruby's house (Michelle's mum). Even then, I didn't felt like I belong. After all, my auntie has her own three children to tend to.

All this I guess, led to my strong need for acceptance and also, birthed a deep sense of rejection in my heart. Then, I hated my mum for abandoning me.

In primary 3, I finally saw dad and mum together, side by side. The only memory of them together lies at the back of my mind. That was when they met up to sign the divorce papers. I remember crying in the room, in my grandmother's arms. She just kept repeatedly saying, 'everything is going to be okay, you'll understand when you grow up'. Now that I'm older, yes, I understand.

After 8 years of staying with Auntie Ruby, I finally moved home to live with dad, and hello secondary school life. Daddy didn't stop working so more often than not, I was always alone at home, or maybe out. It was at this stage of my life, I turned very rebellious.

Since secondary one, I started using swear words as my punctuations and exclamations. All sorts of swear words, both in English and in dialect. Got into wrong relationships one after another. Backstabbed my own peers and got backstabbed. Had a great need for attention and sympathy that I did dumb things to get the attention. Was still full of hatred not only towards others but also towards myself. Thought I was a failure and a mistake, I bore thoughts of death. Slammed doors at dad when he made me angry. I was easily influenced by peer pressure, pick up the thrill of shoplifting.

But everything changed when God found me. All He told me was how much He loved me, that I was worth His life. He accepted me for who I was. At that moment, I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. His Love was overwhelming. I was set free of a lot of bondages; the need for accepted, rejection, hatred etc.

Even as I type down these things of whom I used to be. I'm amazed at how much God has worked in me. I didn't deserve to be saved, but He saved me anyway. Thus, we have really nothing to boast about us. It is by His mercy and grace alone that I am who I am today. I used to be a trash through and through, but now He has made me a jem, precious.

It isn't a glorious past to talk about. But there is nothing to be ashamed of. Because I was blind but now I see, was lost but now I'm found. I believe God has His purposes for allowing things to happen, that I may stand as a witness of His life-transforming power. I'll never be the same.

Don't be held by guilt, shame, condemnation about your past. If God has delivered you and changed you, testify!